Friday, April 30, 2010

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Yes, you can imagine where this is going. The thing is, I am not a huge fan of lemonade, in either the literal or metaphorical sense. I would like to think of myself as a positive person, but when it comes down to it, I am a worry-wart big time.

Right now, however, I am trying to make an effort to focus on the positive. This is for several reasons. One, I know that things are not as bad as they look; I just tend to focus so fully on the negative that I can't see the positive. Two, I do have really exciting things happening now and I'd hate to spoil them.

So, here's my lemons:

Lemon 1--The Job Situation

I don't have a job next year. I have tenure. However, this is the first time that it really looks like I won't be offered a job back until summer, potentially until August. If that is the case, I will need to clean out my room, pack things up, and say good-bye to the school I've worked at for three years. Yes, it has not been an easy three years, and I am okay with moving on, but I hate not knowing where I will move on.

My Attempt at Lemonade:

I keep telling my kids (and myself) that I am a free agent. I am well-educated and experienced. There will be something next year. I hate the idea of interviewing for an English position; I thought at this point I'd be focusing on admin jobs. But my husband did get his job back, so that's a decrease in our stress level. COBRA is being partially subsidized, so that's another issue resolved.

Lemon 2--The Baby Situation

I wanted to get pregnant last year, but Justin and I decided to wait until he was done with his first year teaching and I had finished my masters. So I was very excited this winter when Justin told me he was ready to start trying. In March I went off the pill, all ready to go. Then I talked to my doctor, and she told me it can take up to six months just to get your period after the pill. So it's been a month and a half. I have a ways to wait. I hate waiting. My body feels like dog doo and I am getting anxious waiting for any sign of a period.

My attempt at Lemonade:

This is really not a good time for being pregnant. I know that. I know that if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry because the job situation would be taking away from the experience. On an intellectual level, I know my stress about being unable to conceive is unfounded. Also, I do want to be available for my sister this summer as she prepares for her first kid. Me throwing up every five seconds might hamper that effort.

Part of my need to focus on reality is that I just finished my masters. This is something I've always wanted to do, and I actually did it. There were moments that I thought I couldn't, but I finished the dang thing. I really don't want anything to take away from my happiness at finishing the program.

So here I am, ready to take a big gulp of lemonade. Sigh...

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