I think it is an odd human thing that when the year comes to a close, people feel the need to make lists. Top 50 songs of the year. Top 10 movies of the year. Most popular words (I love that list. It's put out by the OED and it's nerdy fun.)
Maybe it's just an American thing. I don't know. I never leave America (sigh), but this list thing cracks me up every December. And makes me a little sad. When I start watching t.v./listening to the radio, etc. and those top-fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-number-seems-appropriate lists come out, I really feel that the year is over.
This year the sadness seems a little more profound, and I'm not quite sure why. There could be lots of reasons. First, the economy is in the tank and many families don't have much to celebrate. Second, I have huge, looming deadlines and it feels like I will never finish my evaluations. Third, for the first Christmas in recorded history, I will consume zero sugar. (That's a reason to sob in your splenda cocoa, let me tell you.)
But I have noticed that I have less zeal for the top of 2010 lists. It could be that I really felt very disconnected from the outside world this year. Since January my focus has been very self centered. First my masters took a huge amount of my attention, then getting a job, and then the job. Terribly enough, I was so focused this year on what I was doing that when the miners who were trapped were finally rescued, I had no idea what was going on.
I guess my melancholy comes from feeling very disengaged. I have spent so much time in my own head, trying to figure out my own work-and-pregnancy-related problems that I have really pulled away from humanity. It's been kind of lonely, actually.
It seems a little silly that I feel lonely, given that my job includes non-stop interaction with people, I have great supportive friends who actually care about my issues, and I live with a lovely family. However, my interactions at work require much care and they are exhausting. I don't have nearly the time I want to spend with my friends, and I haven't seen my friends from the Bay Area in years. Finally, I have now established permanent residence in Mommy Guilt Land because of how little time I get to spend with Em.
I have five days left of work, which makes me happy but also fills me with great anxiety because of how much I have to do before the 17th. But this weekend I will try my best to focus on the two weeks I have off for winter break. I know it will go too quickly, but I'm actually okay with that. (I did mention the no sugar thing, right?)
1 comment:
Hillary, no joke, I was going through old messages in fb and I saw some from you and I thought, you know, I haven't really talked to Hillary in a while, boo on me! So don't beat yourself up too much, I'm so thankful that I get to "see" you on fb, and know how your little -insert food type- is doing and what Emerson's been up to lately. It's always a crazy time of year, and I know for me it's very linked to specific things--that last Friday before vacation starts, and the antsy-ness I always feel. It always makes me sad when that day has passed, because it's honestly the most wonderful day of the year for me. ;-)
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