Making Lists

I think it is an odd human thing that when the year comes to a close, people feel the need to make lists. Top 50 songs of the year. Top 10 movies of the year. Most popular words (I love that list. It's put out by the OED and it's nerdy fun.)

Maybe it's just an American thing. I don't know. I never leave America (sigh), but this list thing cracks me up every December. And makes me a little sad. When I start watching t.v./listening to the radio, etc. and those top-fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-number-seems-appropriate lists come out, I really feel that the year is over.

This year the sadness seems a little more profound, and I'm not quite sure why. There could be lots of reasons. First, the economy is in the tank and many families don't have much to celebrate. Second, I have huge, looming deadlines and it feels like I will never finish my evaluations. Third, for the first Christmas in recorded history, I will consume zero sugar. (That's a reason to sob in your splenda cocoa, let me tell you.)

But I have noticed that I have less zeal for the top of 2010 lists. It could be that I really felt very disconnected from the outside world this year. Since January my focus has been very self centered. First my masters took a huge amount of my attention, then getting a job, and then the job. Terribly enough, I was so focused this year on what I was doing that when the miners who were trapped were finally rescued, I had no idea what was going on.

I guess my melancholy comes from feeling very disengaged. I have spent so much time in my own head, trying to figure out my own work-and-pregnancy-related problems that I have really pulled away from humanity. It's been kind of lonely, actually.

It seems a little silly that I feel lonely, given that my job includes non-stop interaction with people, I have great supportive friends who actually care about my issues, and I live with a lovely family. However, my interactions at work require much care and they are exhausting. I don't have nearly the time I want to spend with my friends, and I haven't seen my friends from the Bay Area in years. Finally, I have now established permanent residence in Mommy Guilt Land because of how little time I get to spend with Em.

I have five days left of work, which makes me happy but also fills me with great anxiety because of how much I have to do before the 17th. But this weekend I will try my best to focus on the two weeks I have off for winter break. I know it will go too quickly, but I'm actually okay with that. (I did mention the no sugar thing, right?)

My Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years

Being a teacher gives me an unique perspective, especially when it comes to the "end of the year." Most people finish their year in December, January, or February. Not me. My year begins in August and ends in June.

While the average American is celebrating the end of the year, nursing a hang over, and making resolutions, I'm too busy to be making plans. My year is in full swing. I've already made my resolutions, things like I will try to grade all essays within a reasonable amount of time, I won't let the kids see me angry, and I won't engage in workplace gossip. Yeah, by April goals like these are toast.

I finished teaching on Thursday and have had some time to reflect on this year, which for the most part was a VAST improvement over last year.

Here's what I am grateful for:

* I have a job. A wonderful, well-paying job with benefits.
* My boss actually took the time to ask me if I wanted to change my teaching assignment next year, and she's giving me time to make my decision. This is rare; typically one is told she is changing assignments.
* My kids took their final speeches very seriously. They dressed up, talked about interesting topics, and not a single one spoke about how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (I threatened them.)
* My husband finished his teaching credential. He did a fantastic job and he seems genuinely excited about teaching again.
* My family is the only reason I survived this crazy year. My husband managed to go to school, work like a dog, and cook on the weekends. Emerson was immensely patient with us and her wonderful, bright, happy personality is what kept me going all year.
* I have been so lucky to meet so many great friends this year. It was great to have "girls' night out" to look forward to.
* Finally, I seem to have someone or something looking out for me. Anytime I thought we couldn't make it financially, a wonderful gift would come our way. My boss offered me an extra period, I got a school loan, our tax return was huge, etc. We made it and that is a miracle.

Now, I don't have much time to contemplate my joys. I start summer school next week. But it was all in all a great year and I have much to celebrate.